Birthday Wish
Today is my birthday.
A lot has changed since the beginning of this year.
January 2018:
I had a decent amount of money in the bank, a linked boy who was long distance, a decent amount of health that had been slowly improving both mentally and physically, and a decent amount of peace towards the system.
April 2018:
I have very little money in the bank, no boy, low health, and very low peace towards the system. I don't know what to do. I wake up every day telling myself I deserve love, and for awhile it keeps me going, and then I collapse and I just don't want to handle it anymore.
I have been thinking a lot about my birthday wish, and also about how I view my happiness. My proxy for happiness is money, guy, health, and peace. Considering if every component were out of 5, I think my personal optimum score is 4 4 4 3. Meaning I have a decent amount of passive income flowing in, my guy is loving and lives with me and matches me, my health is like Olympic level physical and the equivalent for mental, and my trust in the system is about 50/50. Honestly I don't think I can trust the system more than that given its past record. But who knows.
Anyways, so I was thinking right now I'm like at a 1 0 1 1. Like I don't feel as low as I did in Fremont 2014, but that's partially because this is the third time I have dropped so low, so although it's a surprise to be here, it's not...as much of a shock. And isn't that terrible? To have had this happen before often enough for me to sort of recognize this shit.
I deserved to have a 4 4 4 3. I feel like [the person] and I could have brought it up to a 4 4 4 3. At the time I was a 2 1 3 2, and I was trying to turn the 1 into a 2, so that I could be a 2 2 3 2. And then I guess I would have stayed at 2 2 3 2 until Santiago was over, and then moved to Sao Paulo and become a 3 3 3 3. And then we could have worked at the 4 4 4 3 together. Instead I am a 1 0 1 1.
If I can convince [the person] to come back, and be dedicated, I would be a 1 2 1 1. And then after I start my job in Chile I would be a 2 2 2 1, maybe a 2 2 2 2. And then I would move to Sao Paulo, and I could become a 3 3 3 3. A 3 3 3 3 at 28 is not a bad place to be. Or maybe I would start my job in Chile at 2 0 2 1, find the job in Sao Paulo and convince [the person] to come back and get to 2 2 2 2, and then move to Sao Paulo in June 2019 and get to 3 3 3 3. But that...is such a long ways away. That's a whole fucking year.
I don't want to wait anymore. I'm upset that the world did that to me and [the person]. Something good was there and it was destroyed. I don't know what it was, but there was something good there. And now it's gone.
My birthday wish is to become a 4 4 4 4. That's my birthday wish. I want a context that lets me have a ton of money, a ton of love, a ton of health, and to totally believe in the system. The guy I end up with is as beautiful as [the person], and as loving as [the person], and as good with me in person as [the person], and is also wealthy enough to follow me without hardship and thinks I am the meaning of life. The health I end up with is off the charts; my foot is healed, my ankle is healed, my back is healed, my ear piercings are healed, my laser scar removal is great, and I have the strength and stamina and flexibility of my 16 year old self. The money I make is going to be enough for us to do whatever the hell we want and to be happy together.
But you know, all of this is meaningless shit.
A lot has changed since the beginning of this year.
January 2018:
I had a decent amount of money in the bank, a linked boy who was long distance, a decent amount of health that had been slowly improving both mentally and physically, and a decent amount of peace towards the system.
April 2018:
I have very little money in the bank, no boy, low health, and very low peace towards the system. I don't know what to do. I wake up every day telling myself I deserve love, and for awhile it keeps me going, and then I collapse and I just don't want to handle it anymore.
I have been thinking a lot about my birthday wish, and also about how I view my happiness. My proxy for happiness is money, guy, health, and peace. Considering if every component were out of 5, I think my personal optimum score is 4 4 4 3. Meaning I have a decent amount of passive income flowing in, my guy is loving and lives with me and matches me, my health is like Olympic level physical and the equivalent for mental, and my trust in the system is about 50/50. Honestly I don't think I can trust the system more than that given its past record. But who knows.
Anyways, so I was thinking right now I'm like at a 1 0 1 1. Like I don't feel as low as I did in Fremont 2014, but that's partially because this is the third time I have dropped so low, so although it's a surprise to be here, it's not...as much of a shock. And isn't that terrible? To have had this happen before often enough for me to sort of recognize this shit.
I deserved to have a 4 4 4 3. I feel like [the person] and I could have brought it up to a 4 4 4 3. At the time I was a 2 1 3 2, and I was trying to turn the 1 into a 2, so that I could be a 2 2 3 2. And then I guess I would have stayed at 2 2 3 2 until Santiago was over, and then moved to Sao Paulo and become a 3 3 3 3. And then we could have worked at the 4 4 4 3 together. Instead I am a 1 0 1 1.
If I can convince [the person] to come back, and be dedicated, I would be a 1 2 1 1. And then after I start my job in Chile I would be a 2 2 2 1, maybe a 2 2 2 2. And then I would move to Sao Paulo, and I could become a 3 3 3 3. A 3 3 3 3 at 28 is not a bad place to be. Or maybe I would start my job in Chile at 2 0 2 1, find the job in Sao Paulo and convince [the person] to come back and get to 2 2 2 2, and then move to Sao Paulo in June 2019 and get to 3 3 3 3. But that...is such a long ways away. That's a whole fucking year.
I don't want to wait anymore. I'm upset that the world did that to me and [the person]. Something good was there and it was destroyed. I don't know what it was, but there was something good there. And now it's gone.
My birthday wish is to become a 4 4 4 4. That's my birthday wish. I want a context that lets me have a ton of money, a ton of love, a ton of health, and to totally believe in the system. The guy I end up with is as beautiful as [the person], and as loving as [the person], and as good with me in person as [the person], and is also wealthy enough to follow me without hardship and thinks I am the meaning of life. The health I end up with is off the charts; my foot is healed, my ankle is healed, my back is healed, my ear piercings are healed, my laser scar removal is great, and I have the strength and stamina and flexibility of my 16 year old self. The money I make is going to be enough for us to do whatever the hell we want and to be happy together.
But you know, all of this is meaningless shit.
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