Life Directory

Please God, don't do this to me. I love him. Don't do this to me. Let me be good with Jonathan for a few years. I deserve to be loved, beautiful, full of light, and joyful. Let me have this.

1. Be good with Jonathan 2. Be good with health 3. Be good with money 4. Be good with things that make me beautiful January Status 1. Jonathan and I are pretty good. 2. Health and I are pretty good. 3. Money is not great, but better than nothing 4. Not really beautiful, but grateful for Jonathan and health and money February Status 1. Jonathan and I are pretty good 2. Health and I are alright. Not great. 3. Money is not great, but better than nothing 4. Just let me do well on the bar exam for now. March Status 1. Jonathan and I are okay 2. Health and I are not great. 3. Money is not great, but better than nothing. 4. Was connecting with lots of old friends. April Status 1. Jonathan and I are okay. We love each other. It is okay. 2. Health is hell. 3. Money is not great. Need a new job. 4. Have been getting slimmer.

Hello God. You are really fucking up my life right now. Please stop. Stop fucking up my life. You have always been fucking up my life, but this is too much. All I have ever wanted was to be small and good with my guy and to create lots of good memories with him, and to have lots of good friends and family, and to express myself artistically. If you cannot do that for me, just please kill me.

My Heart Dream: To live a good life with Jonathan My Reality: If I am absolutely not able to live a good life with Jonathan, then I want to die quickly and painlessly, as soon as possible, without knowledge // If I don't get well, there just isn't a point. Then...just be with Jonathan, make the money, and when it is enough, just go to sleep and don't wake up. It is too much pain. If I do get well, there is still circus to do, and babies to raise, but if I don't get well... I love him so much. I will make as much money as I can, as soon as I can. There is no point to the money for me if I do not get well, other than to make him happy.

My true self is love, health, happiness, trust. My current self is pain and depression. All I really want is to be good with Jonathan. I am in so much pain. I am going to bed.

I deserve infinite good things.  But I am not greedy.  I had my beautiful, lovely guy. I had my sort-of health. I had my baseline money. I had my baseline travel.  Life was not good, but I was willing to work to improve it.  But now, I have...a guy who is far away. Health that is hurting me not to the point of death but just to this edge of insanity. Money that is fast becoming not worth it. And negative travel.  I do not deserve this life.  I deserve...to work at a law firm in Manhattan and be good with Jordan and travel around the world and eat good food and do fun sports and happy Christmases. I deserve...to work at a law firm in the Palo Alto area and love Jonathan and live around the world without being in constant physical pain.

The only thing that really matters is being well.

//April 6 The only thing that matters is total, infinite wellness, the kind that is so good that it erases all prior negative experiences and makes it as if I have always been well. //edit April 7 I agree with that statement. But total, infinite wellness does not exist. Only finite wellness. Finite wellness is: cuddling with a guy that is better than Jonathan having a job that pays $500k a year not being in pain 24/7

Jonathan blocked and unblocked me today. I am going to go visit him for my birthday. Please God, don't do anything worse to me. This dental pain is enough to make me insane. Let me have my guy.

The only thing that I have ever truly wanted was to be with a guy that I really love who loves me back and to live a good life with him with lots of love. Right now, my job and my health are not where I want them to be. My job is....1/10th of what I wanted by the time I was 28. My health is...1/10th of what I deserved. I love Jonathan. This is a truth. If I cannot be good with him, I have failed. I am in so much physical pain. I cannot live like this. So I have a plan. Before I met Jonathan, I was going to go to Montreal, take circus class, and then freeze over the winter. I met Jonathan. He extended my life span by a bit. Made me believe. I still want it. I don't want to die. I love him. This pain is just so much. I am not poor enough to freeze. But I can go there anyways. Promise to myself: before I leave him, I have to get the abs. I must do this. It is the only thing left in my control. I will show him my abs. It will be lovely. I will be so grateful for this opportun

9AM My panic attacks are not getting worse, but they are happening enough for me to not like the situation.  My tooth pain is not getting better. It is a constant headache.  Plateau at 25.5 inches for waist.  2PM Had a sudden panic attack that even if Jonathan said we could stay together, life would destroy me. Please God, make the other parts of my life good and let me have Jonathan. I love him. Let me have this bit of happiness. Stop hurting me. The second panic attack of the day.  3PM Focus on the good vision. Just focus on the one good vision. I am so lucky to be good with Jonathan. So lucky.  Some people get to have health, love, money, family, friends, wellness.  I get to have Jonathan. And when Jonathan leaves, I can go to Montreal and kill myself. It's okay. I love him so much. If the world is going to do this to me, it's not worth it anymore.  I can no longer live with the pain. 

Sources of pain 1. family problems. feeling like an outsider. being told I am wrong.  2. financial problems. not having enough money.  3. tooth pain.  4. back pain.   5. romantic problems. missing a romantic center.  6. health problems. missing my health centeredness.  7. not looking beautiful. when how I feel is not reflected in how I look.  8. not feeling beautiful. when how I look is not enough to combat the pain.  9. ear lobe pain.  10. emotional wellness.  11. panic attacks from fear that the good things around me will disappear Sources of wellness 1. good skin 2. good nutrition 3. good doctors 4. no pain  5. good physical therapist 6. good dentist 7. good boyfriend 8. more sleep 9. knowing I am good with boyfriend  10. being in beautiful places that help me Current status: 1. Coronavirus has put everything on hold  2. Focus pre-coronavirus moving forward with career moving forward with travel moving forward with Jonathan

In my ideal Covid-19 situation, I would not be in dental pain. If I were not in dental pain, I could:  1. learn more kpop dances 2. learn more gymnastics  3. do everything else a little bit more easily What kinds of pain am I currently experiencing? 1. the dental pain. super high 2. career wrongness pain. moderate 3. earlobe wrongness pain. moderate 4. physical appearance wrongness. mild (in comparison) 5. lower back pain. mild.  What kind of pain have I experienced before that I am not currently experiencing? 1. Total emotional pain. Jonathan is going to be impressed with my abs soon enough.  2. Poverty level financial pain. God that was the shittiest shit.  3. Family wrongness pain. Not currently happening.  4.