Life Directory

Please God, don't do this to me. I love him. Don't do this to me. Let me be good with Jonathan for a few years. I deserve to be loved, beautiful, full of light, and joyful. Let me have this.

1. Be good with Jonathan 2. Be good with health 3. Be good with money 4. Be good with things that make me beautiful January Status 1. Jonathan and I are pretty good. 2. Health and I are pretty good. 3. Money is not great, but better than nothing 4. Not really beautiful, but grateful for Jonathan and health and money February Status 1. Jonathan and I are pretty good 2. Health and I are alright. Not great. 3. Money is not great, but better than nothing 4. Just let me do well on the bar exam for now. March Status 1. Jonathan and I are okay 2. Health and I are not great. 3. Money is not great, but better than nothing. 4. Was connecting with lots of old friends. April Status 1. Jonathan and I are okay. We love each other. It is okay. 2. Health is hell. 3. Money is not great. Need a new job. 4. Have been getting slimmer.

Hello God. You are really fucking up my life right now. Please stop. Stop fucking up my life. You have always been fucking up my life, but this is too much. All I have ever wanted was to be small and good with my guy and to create lots of good memories with him, and to have lots of good friends and family, and to express myself artistically. If you cannot do that for me, just please kill me.

My Heart Dream: To live a good life with Jonathan My Reality: If I am absolutely not able to live a good life with Jonathan, then I want to die quickly and painlessly, as soon as possible, without knowledge // If I don't get well, there just isn't a point. Then...just be with Jonathan, make the money, and when it is enough, just go to sleep and don't wake up. It is too much pain. If I do get well, there is still circus to do, and babies to raise, but if I don't get well... I love him so much. I will make as much money as I can, as soon as I can. There is no point to the money for me if I do not get well, other than to make him happy.

My true self is love, health, happiness, trust. My current self is pain and depression. All I really want is to be good with Jonathan. I am in so much pain. I am going to bed.

I deserve infinite good things.  But I am not greedy.  I had my beautiful, lovely guy. I had my sort-of health. I had my baseline money. I had my baseline travel.  Life was not good, but I was willing to work to improve it.  But now, I have...a guy who is far away. Health that is hurting me not to the point of death but just to this edge of insanity. Money that is fast becoming not worth it. And negative travel.  I do not deserve this life.  I deserve...to work at a law firm in Manhattan and be good with Jordan and travel around the world and eat good food and do fun sports and happy Christmases. I deserve...to work at a law firm in the Palo Alto area and love Jonathan and live around the world without being in constant physical pain.