Jan 31 2020 thoughts



My dream self is small, loved, and well.
She studies hard and talks to Jonathan and makes money and exercises.

Once upon a time, my dream self loved Jordan.
Jordan was kind, but Jonathan is kinder. I am lucky for him to be in my life.

I am having really bad panic attacks. Insanely bad.

I don't know why I am taking the California bar. But I will pass it.

At the beginning of January, the bar was the most stressful thing on my list of things to do. I felt so blessed. Every day, in fact, of January was like that. Except today. Today was hell.






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I just want whatever makes me beautiful and happy

I am living in a tiny little cabin in a person's backyard. It's kind of interesting. I originally wanted to switch into the internal room, which would cost about 180 Euros more, but actually now that I've cleaned up my shit the hut is kind of cute. I do still want my guy, I am just...not really in a position to do anything about it. Honestly, it's just like when I was young and I was meant to be skating and being happy and instead I was getting beaten for my attitude and being generally unhappy. I don't know. I just want to be in a situation where I wake up every day being right with the world. I haven't gotten there yet, is all.
Read more

Birthday Wish

Today is my birthday. A lot has changed since the beginning of this year. January 2018: I had a decent amount of money in the bank, a linked boy who was long distance, a decent amount of health that had been slowly improving both mentally and physically, and a decent amount of peace towards the system. April 2018: I have very little money in the bank, no boy, low health, and very low peace towards the system. I don't know what to do. I wake up every day telling myself I deserve love, and for awhile it keeps me going, and then I collapse and I just don't want to handle it anymore. I have been thinking a lot about my birthday wish, and also about how I view my happiness. My proxy for happiness is money, guy, health, and peace. Considering if every component were out of 5, I think my personal optimum score is 4 4 4 3. Meaning I have a decent amount of passive income flowing in, my guy is loving and lives with me and matches me, my health is like Olympic level physical and
Read more

I Deserve

I deserve infinite good things.  But I am not greedy.  I had my beautiful, lovely guy. I had my sort-of health. I had my baseline money. I had my baseline travel.  Life was not good, but I was willing to work to improve it.  But now, I have...a guy who is far away. Health that is hurting me not to the point of death but just to this edge of insanity. Money that is fast becoming not worth it. And negative travel.  I do not deserve this life.  I deserve...to work at a law firm in Manhattan and be good with Jordan and travel around the world and eat good food and do fun sports and happy Christmases. I deserve...to work at a law firm in the Palo Alto area and love Jonathan and live around the world without being in constant physical pain.
Read more